Thursday, May 18, 2006
Alternate Lives
ALTERNATE LIVES
In some ways,I do not feel whole. What I hate about me is that I can be too inquisitive,too curious and too observant.
I want to know everything- but most of the things I discover only shatter me. Is something seriously wrong with me? I've always had this hunger- to seek and to learn for myself the many things that I don't understand. Sadly, the more I get to know about other people and the things surrounding them, the less I know about myself and the more I feel broken.
Yeah, right. Typical angsty, depressed teen who thinks he moping is worth reading.
I just wonder how some people seem to be so much more (than who I thought they are) when detached from my self-prescribed world. Maybe I just have to learn that I have not written the book and the world does not revolve because I said so.
How come I don't have a passion? How come I canot devote myself wholly into something or someone? How come I wasn't gifted with the capacity to love? Worse, how come I'm not worthy?
God knows what is due to me. I shall have to learn how to wait and hope with no questions asked.
Most of the time, I feel like I am too young. Well, 16 is too young for pretty much everything. It seems like from the moment I turned 9, my youth has been snatched from me.
And now I am lost - I have to forge my own path and most importantly, my own character. They say, the problem with me is that I can be too idealistic. I live in my own Utopian society where everyone gives a damn about women empowerment and global warming.
Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? Am I really the gay man trapped in a giggly teen's overweight body? Am I the radical feminist who does yoga and refuses to shave her armpits?
As much as I'd like to embrace and foster individuality, sometimes I just wish that all we had to do was to fit ourselves into pre-conceived molds.
You are either the rocker chick or the soccer mom or the hippie or the CEO. It's so hard to be young and lost- you try to blend yourself and mix your own colors...
Red + Yellow+ Green + Orange + Blue and a bit of everything would eventually turn into muddy, greyish brown.
And they say, brown is ugly.
C h i n i k a n i M i m o s e n u n g b a n d a n g 4:22 PM
