Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Wallpaper

This has been a week (or so) of pure passivity, topped with a generous helping of domestication. Haha! I have been wanting to write something provocative, something meaningful - but now is not the time. I am beginning to get drained of all my writing desires, and I hate it. I used to think I can write something, and something good. Now, I can only look back at that cockiness I used to display in my writing.

I feel so old. This cycle is sickening. Again, my quest for negative time will never stop. I shall dream of going back to the wonder years for as long as I can hold on to the fickle promise of comfort.

When I find myself talking like this, talking in blurry pictures, I often wish I were some irritated stranger who has the guts to shake me up and probably land a stinging slap on my face.

Snap out of it.

Reading Veronika Decides to Die isn't much help either. It has only tempted me to dream of burning this house down, this place I dare call my house. Growing up or growing old, whatever you choose, is a sad process. It's like peeling off the candy-coloured wallpaper your eyes have gotten so used to- only to reveal the ugly surface beneath.

Yes, we were all told we were special, but that doesn't amount to much once we begin to peel off our layers.

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C h i n i k a n i M i m o s e n u n g b a n d a n g 6:14 PM

Saturday, June 02, 2007

i need a hug...

I recently had a long talk with mutti about things and people that are getting me down and getting on my nerves. Having talks with my mother instantly make me feel better, because she always knows what to say. It's too bad the feeling wears off easily.

The only thing that really hit me was when mutti told me I am like a child.

I guess I am still a child , and I refuse to grow. I have very childish fears and I exhaust myself trying to run away from them.

I need a hug.

I was given one wish , and I wasted it trying to wish for "negative time".

xxmimose

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C h i n i k a n i M i m o s e n u n g b a n d a n g 8:19 PM

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Letters

When I feel terribly depressed, I usually write down whatever I'm feeling on any piece of paper. It's an efficient form of release,and I like the thought of being accidentally reminded of my past worries.

Lately, I've been having those late night anxiety attacks again, and just last week I cried myself to sleep. If everything goes down to choosing between fight or flight, then I can say I am most definitely a flight person. I always choose to take the easy way out. But these days, I am reminded that I can't run away from it all forever.

Below is something I wrote at the back of my school planner, dated February 26, 2007. This may seem to be just one of your troubled-teen musings but this one sums up my state of mind right now. I seriously think I need help, but I am still debating (with myself) if this is really serious or just a petty juvenile drama.

There's this certain weariness from the past few days, seemingly filling up the void and channelling a faint spark of zeal. This never-ending cycle of oblivion and warmth, of panic and comfort, gives me something to look forward to, but the regrets keep coming back. There is the knowing that one must learn to face the consequences of the following days, but the promise of childhood whimsies- turning back time- proves to be more appealing.

Hours spent in prayers, days wasted in wishful thinking. Is it all for the better? Is it all for the truth? They have torn you apart , and you have triumphed over your own fragments. Now comes the time to embrace your enemies, to let go and let grow, but as always, your heart aches for home.

Learn how to sting.

Learn how to fucking sting.

I really want to know if something's wrong with me, and to some extent I am wishing that something's wrong with me- at least that would give me an excuse to feel this way. I feel like I'm being surrounded by people I can't trust. That's why I chose to stay at home the entire summer, and if I had my choice, I would want to stay home forever.

I can't bear the thought of having to be with people who hate me, with people who are dishonest. This is driving me crazy. I've been dying to talk about this to my mother but I just can't get myself to talk of something specific. I know understands, but do I?

xxmimose

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C h i n i k a n i M i m o s e n u n g b a n d a n g 8:30 PM

Thursday, April 26, 2007

hiatus

i am so depressed, mainly because of my weight issues once again. i've decided to go on a blog leave because people don't really care right now and i'm too stuffy to write anything insightful or positive.

haaaay... this is a big cliche but of course i want to be a better person in all aspects of my being. i feel terrible right now. i look like a cow. (although, a cow would look waaaaay cuter.) i just simply want to disappear for the rest of the summer until i get my life fixed.

damn detox. sure, it purges all the "bad stuff" out of your system but it also causes you to balloon afterwards. yeah, yeah. what a lame excuse.

karen dear, it is out of pure love and sisterhood that i have wholeheartedly agreed to host your party on the 5th, even though i look like a mini goodyear blimp right now.

i look so fucking terrible. grabe. i hope this isn't turning into a psychological disorder. gaaah, who would ever want to be friends with a fat wacko.

pray for me. i don't ever want to turn into the cat lady.

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C h i n i k a n i M i m o s e n u n g b a n d a n g 10:36 PM